A Lady libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining
about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in
Guantanamo Bay. She received back the following reply:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your
opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased
to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are
creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be
called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we
have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant
caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your
standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we
hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in
hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters
(except sexually), since he views females as a subhuman form of
property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka -- over time.
Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his
culture and his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when
folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching.
Cordially, your friend,
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